Hey everyone. Sorry for the long delay between blogs. I
personally have been in an interesting “funk” that can only be described as a
fog – like someone emerging from a long coma.
Over the past 19 months the Lord has walked me and my family
through an incredibly difficult and trying season. One in which every aspect of
life had to be surrendered over to Him in order to survive. During this time,
we have learned what it is to be completely dependant on God for sustenance,
finances, physical needs, and in general life. The incredible thing is that
through this 19 month journey the Lord was absolutely faithful and ‘came
through’ at every turn. As I look back, I can’t even count the amazing ways the
Lord worked and provided out of nothing and through the generosity of family,
friends and community.
The problem arose just a few weeks after the great trial had
come to an end. Now that the constant desperation and dependence on the Lord
for the day-to-day was gone, I began to see myself begin to make a very wrong
shift to my “own understanding”. Where I had spent almost every minute of every
day actively on my face before the Lord out of sheer need, I now found myself
standing more upright and not coming the Lord nearly as often.
I can’t say exactly when the shift took place but it most
definitely happened. I was now leaning on my own understanding and trusting in
my paycheck instead of depending on the Lord.
During this long journey of unemployment, I would end up
between two very different emotional places: on one hand, I was spiritually
very focused and God-centered – spending a lot of time in prayer, submission
and introspection. Yet many other aspects
of life was adjusted to “screen-saver mode” where I was doing the bare minimum
to survive and just make it through the day.
As I emerged from the sustained period of struggle my
spiritually alert state was replaced with joy, excitement and relief. A few
weeks after I received my job, the “new” season and my relief began to become
the norm. I was no longer on my face before the Lord. I was no longer spending
hours in prayer and worship just to keep aligned to Truth. I was so relieved to
no longer have to struggle every day just to survive that I became complacent
and lost my spiritual focus.
That’s when it happened, I shifted from leaning on the Lord
and relying on His strength and provision – to relying on my own and on my new
paycheck.
Proverbs 3:5 says this, “Trust in the Lord with all your
heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” Yet that is exactly what I was
doing. When I was in desperate need I actively sought the Lord and was willing
to do just about anything. But now that the immediate need was gone, I was not
so quick to schedule my daily meetings with the Lord.
My relief from the desperation of my situation gave way to
complacency and pure laziness. My justification for this response? Well, it has
been such a long struggle and constant battle, I deserve a little break. The
issue was that the little break became a little longer and little longer until
it could no longer be called break but a sustained and purposeful “leave of
absence”.
I am embarrassed to say that this happened in my life and at first, was very reluctant to share it. But the more I prayed about it, the more
I felt the Lord call me to authenticity. You see, this nasty little response of
relief can quickly grow into a plague that has overtaken your life and run your
spiritual fields into complete ruin.
The ease at which I was able to rely on my own understanding
– the relief of a job, the regularity of an income – started to taint my sole
reliance on God. It is amazing that
after 19 months of unemployment, the temptation to go back to old ways of thinking
would try to rear its ugly head so quickly.
But the challenge is to trust in the Lord with all your
heart and not to depend on your own personal understanding. The first part of the Proverb does not
provide any distinction or definition as to timing or situation. It just simply
states that we must trust in the Lord with ALL our heart, regardless of
circumstances. We must learn to trust in good times and bad times. We must
learn to rely on Him when in the desert or in the harvest.
This is a lesson that I’m still learning. My own understanding
is such a beast and one that attempts to control everything. I am learning to
continually surrender no matter what season I am in. I need Him as much in plenty as I do in
want. Maybe more so.
