Being Alone Is Real, but Being Lonely Doesn't Have To Be

I have come to realize that lonliness is never really what it seems. Being alone is not fake, its a very real sensation, but lonliness is a choice. 

For a couple of years now I have allowed myself to fall into this mindset that I am always alone, that no one cares about me, no one understands me, that I deserve to be alone. That just isn't true. I have become oblivious to the fact there are people all around me that love me and want to help me but most importantly, God is there and always has been. 

The fact that God isn't tangible has always been an obstacle for me in believing that He really cares about me. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me or talk to me and just look me directly into the eyes and say that I mean something to them but God has been doing it for me all these years, I just didn't see it. I was too caught up in my own sorrow and feeling sorry for myself that I only focused on the alternate reality that I was letting my emotions create. 

A close friend of mine once told me that sorrow is addicting.  I thought about it and realized that that was true. I became so comfortable in just being sad and wanting to be comforted that I didn't pay attention to the fact that God was there for me and was trying to get to me. I poured my heart out to anyone that I could trust, to people that I wanted to be comforted by, but I was going to everyone but God, who I really needed to go to. 

I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with human affections when in reality, God is the only one who can heal that hole. Sometimes it is still hard to take refuge in knowing that God is always there even though i can't see Him. I have to choose to let go of the sorrow that I have been building in my heart for a long time because God is there and is more than ready to take that burden from me. I have discovered that being alone is real, but being lonely isn't because God is always there despite my sorrow and what my emotions say. God is always there, no matter what.

What Tessa Taught Me About Myself

In January of 2013, we adopted a beautiful pit bull terrier from a local animal rescue.  Her name is Tessa.

Tessa spent the first few years of her life on a ranch where she was not cared for at all.  She spent her days outside, roaming with the other dogs, looking for food and water.  By 3 years old, she had already had two litters of puppies and both litters contained multiple breeds of dogs.  As the only female, Tessa had been used by the other dogs at the ranch, to be sure.  She was pregnant with her second litter when she was rescued.

We met Tessa after she had been at the rescue for almost 8 months.  Somehow this sweet dog, the favorite of every volunteer there, had not been adopted.  I think God was saving her for us.

The people at the rescue were so excited for us to have her!  They taught us about how her breed, as a pit bull terrier, can be strong and powerful.  She could easily break through a plate glass window, if she wanted to.  She could jump a fence if we didn’t train her well.  I began to feel a little intimidated by her breed!

But for all of Tessa’s strength and ability, she was also a product of her circumstances.  Her years of abuse and neglect left this powerful dog scared of everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  She was scared of men.  The trash truck.  Big cars, even if they weren’t running.  She was hesitant to go outside.  When we took her on walks, she would walk with her head down.  She was a shell of the powerful dog she didn’t even know she was.  The powerful dog she was created to be.

Aren’t there times when we are like Tessa, too?  

With our identity given to us by Jesus, we are free to walk before Him as His beloved.  We are called to be powerful men and women, establishing the Kingdom of God wherever we go.

But sometimes we allow our circumstances to shape our identity.  We begin to believe what “the facts” of our lives have told us.  We are unworthy because we were rejected.  We are failures because of our mistakes.  We are disqualified because of things that have happened to us.

And these are the lies we begin to take as truth.  I believe Satan’s goal is to attack us at the very points where God wants to use us the most.  Our enemy wants to use our circumstances to drive us into a corner, where we are fearful victims instead of victorious warriors.  He wants us to hang on to unforgiveness and cling to old ways so that our eyes are never lifted up to our Savior, His healing touch, and the future that He has for us.

And so each of us has a choice to make.

Are we going to believe what our past circumstances have said about us and let that shape how we look at ourselves and our lives? 

Or are we going to look ahead at what God is calling us to and who He says that we are?

If we look back to our circumstances, then we are like Lot’s wife in Genesis 19.  God ordered Lot and his family to leave Sodom and Gomorrah, a place of immorality and destruction.  They were not to look back as they left, but to set their face forward where God was calling them.  But Lot’s wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Looking back to the place of brokenness froze her – and it does the same thing in us.  When we keep looking over our shoulders to a past of hurt and pain, we get stuck there and are kept from moving forward into all that God has for us!

So let’s make the other choice:  let’s choose to move ahead into all that God has for us, in the fullness of who He says we are! 

“. . .forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 3:13-14)

God has so much more for us than what the circumstances of our life have been!  We must see ourselves as He does, as new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) and as conquerors in Him (Romans 8:37)!

When we see ourselves as He does, and not as defined by our past, then we can be who God has called us to be – and this world needs men and women of God who know who they truly are and who are willing to do great exploits in His Name!

As C.S. Lewis said, “There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Amen!

Be Brave!

Several years ago, I attended an incredible women’s conference here in Los Angeles called Godchicks.  Created by Holly Wagner, who co-pastors Oasis Church with her husband, Philip Wagner, this yearly women’s gathering inspires women to walk in all that God has called them to be!

On year, the theme was “Brave” – and I knew immediately that this was a word that God was giving to both me and to my daughters Meagan and Kelsey (who were 7 and 9 at the time). 

Those who know me already think that I’m pretty brave.  I am an outgoing girl.  I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  And I don’t ever mind being in front of a big crowd.  Though those things may scare some people, I actually love doing them!

But I knew that the bravery that God was calling us to was to stretch us in the things that didn’t come so easily – the things that were hard for us and where He was asking us to trust Him, risk and grow.

In 2008, I was in the middle of an intense season of wrestling with my own disappointment over some unfulfilled dreams in my life.  The promises of God were very slow in coming and I was beginning to truly believe that I had not heard God correctly and that God really didn’t have more for me.  The horizon of my life looked bleak and gray, with no hope of new life growing on it.

In the middle of that place, God asked me to dream again.  In fact, He gave Craig and me a dream that is so big it is beyond our capacity to do it!  It would require believing God fully and trusting that He would make a way where there seemed to be no way.

For me, it required bravery to risk extreme disappointment to dream with God again.  And though it has been 5 ½ years since that moment, God has changed us immensely as we are still waiting on Him for fulfillment.  It requires bravery to dream with and wait on God!

For both me and the girls, bravery included dealing with relational issues. It takes courage to rightly respond when facing rejection and hurt – or to go back and ask for forgiveness when we are the ones who hurt someone else. 

It requires bravery to speak truth to someone, even when it comes at a great personal cost.

One of the ultimate acts of bravery is to allow God to work forgiveness in our hearts towards those who have hurt us. That is a work that can definitely take time!

But more often than not, a lifestyle of bravery has been forged in mundane, everyday choices:

*Will I be brave enough to say no to my immediate gratification and yes to wise stewardship of my money?

*Will I be brave enough to use my time well, making time for the most important things like spending time with the Lord?

*Will I be brave to believe God is who He says He is no matter what circumstances I am facing in my life?

As my girls and I have walked this journey together, I am amazed at the courage and strength God has worked in us.  In Him, we are brave – not because of our own strength, but because of the goodness of God to lead us out beyond our comfort zone.

After all, God never calls us to do anything that He does not empower us to do. . .so the Lord girls have answered the call to bravery.  And He wants to raise up a generation of men and women, boys and girls, who are willing to bravely bring the Kingdom of God here on earth.  Let’s say yes to that call!

"Remember that I commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't be afraid, because the Lord your God will be with you everywhere you go."   Joshua 1:9

Whole Magazine is an incredible site where women share stories of what God is doing in their lives.  Jen had the privilege of writing for them and we'd love for you to check it out!

http://www.wholemagazine.org/

Burning The Gallows

A few weeks ago, our pastor shared an incredible story of forgiveness and mercy. 

This is a true story, which took place in April in a small town in Iran.  A man had been convicted of killing a 17-year old during a street fight.  He was now sentenced to death by hanging.

The family of the dead boy was in agony.  Especially the mother.  She just could not forgive the man who had taken her son’s life. 

The man is led, blindfolded, onto the gallows and is stood up on a chair.  The noose is placed around his neck.  According to Islamic law, the family of the victim is the one to push the chair out from under the murderer, hanging him and ending his life.

The mother shared with the crowd her ache in missing her son.  She said she could not forgive the man who had done this to their family.

She climbed the steps to where her son’s murdered was standing, up on a chair, noose around his neck.

She asked for a chair to be brought over so she could stand up next to him. 

Then she slapped the man across the face.

She would later tell a reporter, "After that, I felt as if rage vanished within my heart. I felt as if the blood in my veins began to flow again," she said. "I burst into tears and I called my husband and asked him to come up and remove the noose."   She later said, “Vengeance has left my heart.”

This woman, who was holding so much grief in her heart over the death of her son, forgave his murderer.  She set him free.  She let him go down off those gallows to live a life her son would never get to live.

Our pastor asked us the question, “Who do you have up on a chair?”  He was talking about forgiveness and mercy.  How we’ve received it from a compassionate Savior.  How we need to extend it to those who have hurt us.

My first thought was, “Lord, you know there are people who have hurt me.  You know that I have had opportunities to kick the chair out from under them.  But because of Your correction and healing in my life, I have chosen forgiveness and chosen not to kick the chair out from under them.”

The Lord said to me, “Yes, but you still have them up on the gallows.”

And that stopped me cold.

I think forgiveness comes in layers.  I have forgiven people for things they have done to me.  Truly forgiven them.  Prayed for them, asked God to bless them, even.  Not kicked out the chair.

But I have left them up on those gallows.  I’ve secretly hoped in my heart that by leaving them up there, others will see how badly I was treated and will hold them responsible. 

I wasn’t going to kick the chair.  But I was hoping they would suffer for how they hurt me.

So the Lord led me on another layer of forgiveness and healing.  I poured out my heart to the Lord as He helped me climb up on the chair next to them, remove the noose from around their neck, help them down from the gallows and let them go into the crowd.

I released them - again.  They do not owe me anything.  They are free from my desire to see them make amends for what was done to me.

And I knew that I was free at a deeper level than before.  Because if I don’t have them up there on those gallows, then I’m not looking at them, wondering if their day of reckoning will ever come. 

Then the Lord took me one level deeper.  He told me I had to burn the gallows.  I had to allow the Refiner’s fire burn up that part of my heart that craves being validated when wronged.  I can’t let them…or anyone else…back up on the gallows of my heart, so I burnt it down.  They are free.  And so am I.

I could immediately feel the shift in my soul.  I could turn my face fully toward my Savior and walk unhindered into more of what He has for me.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Forgiveness may come in layers, one step at a time.  That is OK.  We must keep our hearts turned toward the Lord and trust Him with our lives.  Because that is ultimately what forgiveness is – the surrender of our lives and our rights to God, believing that what He has allowed us to go through at the hands of others can still be used for our good and His glory!

So that faint aroma of burning embers I smell?  That’s the smell of freedom and forgiveness.  I am free!!

Living Life With A Calling

Living life with a calling can seem like the weight of the world is on your shoulders… trust me, I know.

The year that I was making the transition from 2^nd grade to 3^rd grade I went up to Camp Cedar Crest with my church for the first time. My expectations going up there were that I was going to swim, hang out with my friends, and maybe learn a little about God. I didn’t think of camp as a place to meet God and open up your heart to Him in a whole new way, I was just focusing on being with my friends. So, of course, when I don’t think anything is going to happen and that God isn’t going to do anything dramatic with my life but that I was just going to be another kid worshipping and listening to sermons, something happens. On the last night of camp I had a pretty big encounter with God.

It seems pretty common that when us humans doesn’t think that God will do anything, He does. That night I was called to be a pastor.

I came back down the mountain with my calling but I still wasn’t sure if it was an actual calling from God. I mean, I was in third grade; I could have just thought it to myself and thought I heard God. I got home, told my parents, and of course they were excited but nothing dramatic happened. I just kept on living my life. My 3^rd grade year was going really well. I had two best friends and the best teacher that I have ever had in my entire life. Life was good for me. During this time I kind of began to forget about my calling because it seemed so insignificant at the time. How is a 3^rd grader going to become a pastor?

My 4^th grade year rolls along and I was expecting to go back to school and for everything to be the same as it was the year before, but it wasn’t. That year I was in a different class than both my best friends, which stunk, and I had a difficult teacher. Well, when school started both of my best friends decided they weren’t going to hang out with me anymore and stopped eating lunch with me. They ignored me, wouldn’t talk to me, and acted as if I didn’t exist. For the next couple of weeks I was a very lonely, sad, and rejected girl with no friends because they were my best friends and I thought that they were all I needed. I am the kind of person that when I meet someone and we become very close and call each other best friends, I expect us to be best friends forever, which cause this loss of friendship to sting a whole lot more.

That same year was pretty terrible. I didn’t know how to make friends very well, and I wasn’t girly enough to hang with most of the girls. I was athletic and I would play kickball, the other girls would just walk around the playground and talk and that stuff I just didn’t want to do. During this year I began to turn my back on God. I cocooned myself in my own world and was convinced that God didn’t love me because He let these awful things happen to me. Aso during that year I met this amazing group of guys that I just fit in with. They weren’t girls so there was no drama and they were more fun to be around. One of the boys I have known since preschool and the others I have known since 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd grade, but we had never really hung out. We all quickly became very close and very good friends.

By 5^th grade I had almost completely forgotten about my calling. My life was so wrapped around school, my friends, and what I wanted to do. At that point I was harboring some anger and sadness from the rejection from my friends and I was still extremely angry at God and I just didn’t trust Him anymore. I didn’t think that He loved me anymore and I didn’t like to pray because I didn’t think He would answer.

In 6^th grade I had completely forgotten about my calling, I was a volcano that blew with emotions from my 4^th grade rejection, and I was living my life by myself. I wasn’t asking God for help, I didn’t trust Him anymore, I didn’t believe that He loved me after all these bad things happened to me.

During that year I did some things that I’m not proud of and I was pretty sure that God was angry at me and was sort of “retracting” the pastor calling He put on me because I wasn’t “Christian” enough to be a pastor anymore.

I eventually came to my mom and she helped me realize that God still loved me, that I could trust Him, and that I needed to forgive my friends for what they did to me. This made me feel a lot better but I didn’t think much about my pastor calling.

7^th grade started and I was going to my church youth group, UTURN, and we went to winter camp this past February. While we were up there I understood a lot from the teachings. Worship was amazing and the sermons that were spoken really helped me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed help. They talked about how you can never disappoint God because He knows exactly what you are going to do every minute of your life.  I needed to hear that and didn’t even know how much. I needed this to be said because of all the times I felt had disappointed God and felt that I wasn’t good enough to be a pastor. On the last night of this camp the pastors talked about how the Holy Spirit is still active and that spiritual gifts are still given. Over the course of my 7^th grade year, I had heard from others that it wasn’t right for women to be in church leadership.  I began to doubt my call. But being up at camp reminded me of what is true and my calling was real and I wasn’t sinning by following it.

That same night, the pastors called up those in the audience who felt like they had a pastor calling placed on their lives and I went up. They prayed over us and in that moment I heard God tell me that I needed to start living with my calling in my head. I needed to act with my calling in mind. If I was going to be a pastor I needed to start living and acting like it.

I came back down the mountain and told my mom. She began to tell me how before I was even born her mom, my Grammie, had said that she felt that I was going to be a pastor.  She also told me that the pastor who dedicated me to the Lord had prayed over me that I was going to be a leader in the church.  At that moment, my mom confirmed what I knew God was saying. 

There isn’t doubt in my mind that I am going to be a pastor. After years of doubting God and doubting the call to ministry, God revealed it to me in an amazing way. I am no longer living for myself but for God. I am going to be the pastor that God wants me to be, whether the world accepts it or not.

The Testimony of Wrinkles

Kelsey and I went to the doctor because she sprained her foot.  We were waiting a LONG time, so we started taking selfies with my phone.  Later, as I was looking at this picture, something struck me.

See that on my forehead?  Between my eyebrows?  Those are wrinkles.  Wrinkles I never noticed. Sure, I’d seen the ones around my eyes.  But now between my eyebrows?

Um. . .not OK.

Of course, this led me on a trip to the store to find an affordable, yet reliable anti-wrinkle face  wash/moisturizer/cream to deal with this situation.  I wondered how long it would take to begin to help my wrinkles, which seemed to deepen the longer I looked at them.

But then. . .

        . . . the Holy Spirit reminded me of something.

My wrinkles tell the story of my life.

Those lines mean that I have the privilege of experiencing great love that set a smile so deep in my heart that it could not help but beam across my face.

The laugh lines show the amazing enjoyment and fun I have experienced with the amazing family and friends God has given me. 

Those wrinkles also show signs of a furrowed brow.  Because life is hard.  Because there are time when my face has crumbled in tears of pain or sadness.

Sometimes my face has hardened in anger or frustration.  I have fought long and hard for the people and things I am passionate about.

Those two lines between my eyebrows remind me of all of the seasons of my life.  And of the goodness of God that has brought me through it all.

I realize my body carries the other signs of living.  The stretch marks on my stomach are the reminder that my two beautiful daughters grew inside my body.

The gray hairs that have shown up in the last year remind me that “gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life” (Proverbs 16:31).  At least I hope that’s why mine are now coming in gray!  ;)

I know that I am only 37 years old – and in the great scheme of life, that is not that old!  I am, God willing, less than halfway through my life!  But I will tell you, I cannot do all of the things I could 10 years ago.  My arms tire more quickly.  My back gets sore very easily.  I tire out at a much faster pace!

And as I see those wrinkles on my face and the way my body has changed, I’m reminded that my heart has aged, as well.  It also bears the scars of living.  The wounds of death and loss.  The injuries gained from the pain of living in a fallen world.  The havoc my own sin has wreaked upon the tender places of my soul. 

But by God’s grace, those scars are no longer gaping wounds.  The scars remain as the evidence of the healing work of God in my own heart.  His miracle touch has changed me and made me whole.

We live in a society that does not value wrinkles, scars and disfigurement.  Our world values youth and the look of perfection.

But my lack of perfection tells the story of a life I’m so grateful to God that He has given me. 

I read a powerful quote a few years ago:

“Do not regret growing older; it is a privilege denied to many.”  Unknown

There is great privilege as we age.  We have lived through seasons of life.  Hopefully we are doing the hard work of growing up, not just growing older.  Hopefully we are allowing God to work in us a heart of wisdom.  Hopefully our wrinkled faces are giving way to faces of men and women who are looking more like Jesus.

"Wisdom is with aged men, with long life is understanding” (Job 12:2).

                                                                          

I pray that we can pass on to others the hope that lies in Jesus.  That He takes the wrinkles of living, the scars of sin and brokenness and brings healing and life that can shine brightly for His glory.