I have come to realize that lonliness is never really what it seems. Being alone is not fake, its a very real sensation, but lonliness is a choice.
For a couple of years now I have allowed myself to fall into this mindset that I am always alone, that no one cares about me, no one understands me, that I deserve to be alone. That just isn't true. I have become oblivious to the fact there are people all around me that love me and want to help me but most importantly, God is there and always has been.
The fact that God isn't tangible has always been an obstacle for me in believing that He really cares about me. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me or talk to me and just look me directly into the eyes and say that I mean something to them but God has been doing it for me all these years, I just didn't see it. I was too caught up in my own sorrow and feeling sorry for myself that I only focused on the alternate reality that I was letting my emotions create.
A close friend of mine once told me that sorrow is addicting. I thought about it and realized that that was true. I became so comfortable in just being sad and wanting to be comforted that I didn't pay attention to the fact that God was there for me and was trying to get to me. I poured my heart out to anyone that I could trust, to people that I wanted to be comforted by, but I was going to everyone but God, who I really needed to go to.
I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with human affections when in reality, God is the only one who can heal that hole. Sometimes it is still hard to take refuge in knowing that God is always there even though i can't see Him. I have to choose to let go of the sorrow that I have been building in my heart for a long time because God is there and is more than ready to take that burden from me. I have discovered that being alone is real, but being lonely isn't because God is always there despite my sorrow and what my emotions say. God is always there, no matter what.
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